Bethany @mygurucancer

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The following was written in September during the two weeks between the mammogram and receiving the diagnosis ~ what I refer to as “The Waiting Game.” Did I jump right into peace & joy during this time? Hell, no. In fact, I went quite the opposite route at first and it showed me just how powerful the mind can be when you believe everything it thinks. Sometimes things need to get really bad before something arises in you to make a shift ~ I’m grateful to have a reference point for what it’s like to believe all of the stories in my head surrounding a serious illness. You’ll then see how I used The Work of Byron Katie to identify and question my stressful thoughts about the possibility of having cancer. And through inquiry, how I found peace, joy, and even excitement to hear the diagnosis. Click here to learn the simple process of The Work.

It was an emotional & mental rollercoaster. Out of nowhere, I would just drop into a ball and cry for hours. A pretty low point was when my extremely sweet, well-intentioned mother sent me a 700-page book titled “Dr. Susan Love’s Breast Book” and at the top it said, “The bible for women with breast cancer.” I know she meant well ~ just to educate me and help put my mind at peace. (Later, I would discover this was one of THE most helpful, incredible resources! Mother’s intuition maybe?). All I did was open the book and read the headings of the chapters..then I fled to my room to bawl like a baby. Emotions poured out of me. Anger. Frustration. Fear. Depression. Anxiety. I felt like a little girl, all alone in the world. The victim. More stressful thoughts began to reveal themselves: “I have cancer. I want the lumps to go away. Cancer will make my life more difficult. Cancer is bad. I will not be able to live a full life. I shouldn’t be so upset. It’s my fault. I failed at living a healthy lifestyle. I will be a burden to my husband. Cancer will ruin my marriage. I won’t know what to do. I need to know the results now. I can’t make any future plans. My career will be over. I won’t get to do what I love.” I knew what I could do with stressful thoughts – question them – but there were too many flooding in. All I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole and cry. My husband was so patient and sweet through every tantrum ~ offering to hold me, pet me, rock me, listen. He offered to do The Work with me and was loving and understanding when I said I wasn’t ready yet.

One day, I finally found the courage to call the Do The Work Helpline, a free service available to anyone and everyone who is experiencing stress. Volunteers on the helpline are extremely experienced in The Work and can facilitate callers, answer questions about The Work, assist callers in finding stressful thoughts, and share their own experience of inquiry. I have served on the helpline myself, as a part of the training program to become a Certified Facilitator, and I continue to do so. I noticed unease being on the other end, that somehow by calling the helpline would reveal me as a failure at doing my own work, not living up to the “Certified Facilitator” imaginary standard I had set in my mind. As soon as I admitted that myself, I was met immediately with “that’s just bullshit Bethany, call anyways!” SO I did. And then I did again. And again. The volunteers were so helpful and supportive. They held me with a compassionate space of silence as they walked me through the simple 4 questions and turnarounds. The questions are:

1. Is it True?

2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?

3. How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Then you “turn the thought around” which is a way to look at the original thought from different perspectives.

The helpline volunteers stayed connected with me as the tears flowed through and they offered examples from their own life as I moved into the turnarounds. I experienced so much relief on these phone calls, that I was motivated to continue doing The Work with myself and I also asked my husband to facilitate me. I had no shortage of stressful thoughts, that’s for sure, and little by little, my anxiety and fear began to dissipate as I met each thought with understanding.

Through inquiry, I discovered that I did not have cancer. There was absolutely NO PROOF that cancer existed in my body. The only place it existed is in my thoughts. And how did I react when I believed these thoughts (question #3)? The cancer in my mind spread like wildfire ~ it painted a scary, doomsday of a future. I saw images of me and my frail body in a hospital bed, dying, in unbelievable pain. Gray skin, no hair, no boobs (I have grown to be quite fond of my hair & boobs ~ I kind of think they are my greatest physical assets. Now GONE FOREVER!). I saw images of saying goodbye to my husband, medical bills piling up, not knowing what to do, stress on my family and loved ones, no more travel, no more career that I love…dying young and becoming that “sad story” people talk about. The “I hope that never happens to me” story. I noticed while believing these thoughts, my shoulders, neck, head and jaw would tense up. I’d get headaches. My chest was caving in. I felt lethargic and didn’t want to move. I stopped my daily walks and yoga practice. I treated my husband with caution ~ not wanting to impose or ask too much. I treated my family like everything was great, afraid to reveal my fears. I refrained from announcing what’s going on to friends, embarassed that I was making such “a big deal” of this without a diagnosis. A dark, heavy cloud set over me. Everything hangs on the diagnosis: if it’s benign, I’m happy & free; if it’s malignant, I’m screwed. I became a victim and saw the universe as punishing me. I noticed small obsessions of trying to figure out what would have given me cancer ~ is it my cell phone, this face soap, or the Vitamin D supplements I’ve been taking? I began to turn on myself ~ surely, I did something to deserve cancer. I shouldn’t have drank so much in my 20’s, I could have been healthier, better, perfect. I got angry at myself for getting angry, sad at my sadness. I didn’t deserve to feel this upset. These thoughts felt so consuming, so powerful. In summary, when I believed my thoughts, it felt like SHIT.

As I sat in meditation without these stressful thoughts (question #4)…sometimes it took a lot of time to get there…my entire being shifted. I felt lighter. My heart & mind opened. My shoulders dropped, neck & jaw softened. I had more energy. I saw a sense of simplicity in this process…how well I have been following the simple instructions: Feel lump. Visit doctor. Get mammo/ultrasound. Schedule biopsy. Get insurance. Do biopsy. Hear results. Re-visit with doctor. Next step…next…next…I wasn’t even the one doing it, I was being led. Without the stressful thoughts, my mind could open to how in reality I am doing everything right…everything is on time…everything has been easier than what I expected so far. I noticed that right
here, right now, I am healthy, in amazing shape, thriving. I have energy for walking and yoga ~ during my yoga practice, I gently caress my lulus (my new nickname for the lumps) and tell them I love them and am here to listen. My witty sense of humor returns and I can tell cancer jokes (ok, so I also learned that sometimes cancer jokes can make people feel uncomfortable too…learning!). Everything is welcome in my body and mind. I see my body as a friend. Emotions are allowed to flow through me and they don’t need a name. I see images of all of the amazing people who have already lined up to support me, how wonderful the medical system is, how I know exactly what I need to do in this moment: nothing. Reality is good. I felt supported, cared for, and trusted the future. It’s not my business if I have cancer. So simple. I don’t know what’s best for me. A full surrender. There’s even a sense of inspiration about diving into the unknown! Getting the results seemed exciting.

The DIAGNOSIS transformed from a doomed death sentence to a clear direction.

The biggest shift came when questioning the thought, “I want the doctors to tell me I don’t have cancer.” I did this the day before the biopsy with my husband. I held the moment of an imagined future: when the doctor calls me with the biopsy results. After we explored the 4 questions, my mind was pretty blown when we hit the turnaround, “I want me to tell me I don’t have cancer.” Well, shit, I want this from me right now, why wait until the phone call! It’s TRUE! I want me to remind myself that there is 100% absolutely no proof that I have one cancer cell in my body. How do I know? Nobody has told me. The tests haven’t proved it. There is no family history. And even if the doctors do tell me on the phone call that I have cancer, can I really know it’s true in that moment? No, I can’t. Yet, I can still follow the simple instructions of the experts ~ the surgery, no surgery, chemo, no chemo…I want me to tell me I don’t have cancer because “I” can never have cancer. I am not this body, I am much more. I can watch this body go through cancer and be here and support it in every way I possibly can.

Another turnaround is “I want the doctors to tell my I have cancer.” Oh shit, this turnaround is scary. I notice my superstitious ego coming in ~ it says, “don’t even think it…that’s how you’ll create cancer!” and then I am reminded to trust the process of The Work. How could this turnaround be true? Here’s what I found:

I want them to tell me I have cancer if it’s true. I don’t want them to lie to me ~ I want them to use their years and years of medical training to tell me very clearly what they think is going on in my body and how they recommend I handle it. I want pure honesty.
So I will have a clear direction on where to go from here. I will no longer be stuck in the “unknown” territory of waiting.
So I can continue to question my thoughts about cancer. I am already realizing that cancer isn’t the problem ~ it’s what I’m believing about Cancer (with capitol C!) that is scaring me in this moment. What if the reality of cancer isn’t so bad? What if it’s good? What if it improves my life??? How will I know unless I fully experience it? So far, the only negatives have been in my thinking…what if that is true throughout the entire process?
So I can see that other than what I am thinking and believing, I am still ok in this moment. And this moment. And this moment. So I can learn the ultimate practice of presence.
I have already seen my relationship with my husband deepen, I am truly experiencing him as my rock ~ he would be there for me every step of the way. I can see us giggling in hospital beds, watching tons of movies, telling each other how much we love and appreciate each other. How do I know? This is already happening just thinking that I might have cancer! No more petty arguments, a renewed focus on what really matters. Perhaps all of my relationships would deepen?
My career could take a shift into helping others cope with cancer. I see offering inquiry and therapeutic yoga in hospitals. I would have so much compassion and be able to truly connect. I have been here too. This could be amazing! Perhaps I am meant to get cancer so I can show the world what I am learning now, that cancer is not the “Cancer” you think it is ~ it is slowing down, self care, connections, meaningful moments, appreciation, gratitude, humor. The suffering is purely in the mind, it’s imagination, it’s not real.
My family would come visit me more….ha! I am usually the one going to them. I could see just cherishing the moments with each one of them.
So I can explore the relationship of physical pain and the mind. Through doing inquiry on my pain during migraines, I came to realize that my mind created more pain than existed in reality. The intense pain was an illusion ~ could it be the same for every step of the way in cancer treatment?
I will meet people on this path that will be important in my life forever: doctors, caretakers, cancer survivors…new friendships & connections.
What if I find a cure for cancer? Try some new experimental treatment that can help others do the same.

This inquiry was a complete game changer for me. I left it feeling the joy of a small child. Excited for the next step and discovering where my life will lead. Perfect timing ~ the core needle biopsies were scheduled for the very next day.

I was so surprised to discover that the day of my biopsy, I continued to feel this joy, openness, excitement, & detachment about the outcome. I had morning yoga clients, a quick lunch, and met my husband at home so we could ride together. The whole process was interesting to me ~ driving up to the hospital and seeing the big blue sign “Building 3: Cancer Center,” the adorable woman who checked me in, the paperwork, the professional sonogram lady named “Joy” (how cool!) who carefully walked me through every step of the process and took more ultrasound photos…I made sure to wear comfortable pants and bring large cozy socks so my feet wouldn’t get cold. Joy offered to bring me a warm blanket too ~ how amazing is that? I felt the support of the hospital bed, the quiet atmosphere, the wealth of information she shared.

I began to feel a little nervous about the level of pain so when Joy left to get the doctor who would be performing my biopsies, I questioned the thought, “It will be painful” ~ the truth is…no, I can’t know it – I’ve never experienced it. Zero proof. Without the thought, I’m much more at ease, open…let’s do this. And I also did not pretend myself beyond my own evolution ~ I told the doctors BethanyWebbBiopsyPhoto that I preferred not to see the needle or watch any of the procedure so they offered to put a soft towel over my eyes. Perfect. The procedure was less painful and much quicker than I thought ~ there was a lovely sound of a large POP after each sample was sucked out from the needle. Lots of deep breathing. One my holes bled more than usual so I enjoyed the extra support of Joy applying a compress to it, then the doctor, then another stranger who came in.
Everyone was so sweet and kind ~ they said they were surprised at how well I did and I shared with them the work I have been doing. The doctor said, “wow, you can really help others with this practice you’re doing.” She especially loved hearing how I see the diagnosis as a direction now. Then they decided to wrap up my boobs into a tight cocoon with ice packs tucked inside (see left). Somehow I had upper and lower cleavage. I was briefed on how to take care of the wounds, how long to rest, and to take Tylenol if I needed it. The results will arrive this week. Done.

My husband drove me home and we watched movies all day and night, ate great food…I read, talked to my mom. Today is the day after my biopsy so the only thing left to do is to answer the phone and hear my next step. I have honestly been looking for fear and stress and I can’t find it right now. I am blown away by this shift in perspective. I am so excited for the phone call: I am at peace with or without a diagnosis of cancer. I see beauty in both ways and can be happy now instead of waiting for the news. I am still open to experiencing that deep sadness and fear again, who knows, it could happen and I love knowing how I will be here for myself in that too. I welcome whatever happens. Is it possible to fall in love with cancer? Let’s find out.

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Pre-diagnosis

The Mammo & Ultrasound…I will finally know! Or not.

October 31, 2015August 27, 2022 Bethany @mygurucancer

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Written on September 2nd, 2015…
I was extremely anxious thinking about the appointment for the mammogram and ultrasound. I heard they would be able to tell me results on the spot, so I knew I was leaving that building knowing whether or not I have cancer.

Two days before the appointment, thoughts began to bombard me. “I have cancer. I may not have a future with my husband like I thought.”

On one of these evenings, I made love to my husband and felt a deep sadness overcome me. I looked into his eyes and let the emotion poor out of me. The moment didn’t feel real, he didn’t feel real. His realness was fading. There was deep, gut-wrenching sadness and then also a curiosity, a surrender, and a deep pleasure. I felt like at that point, I started just to allow whatever needed to come up, come up. I felt so connected with him as my tears fell from my eyes onto his face. His smile. This cosmic, beyond this world connection ~ knowing we’d always be connected no matter what. I flashed to a similar experience I had making love to him when we first met over 8 years ago, this knowingness. It was actually beautiful. After we made love, I just layed in his arms and couldn’t speak. It seemed that this “I might have cancer” experience was already re-shaping our relationship. There was a sweetness, tenderness, wordless appreciation for each other. The petty arguments stopped, we just felt closer. I love him 🙂

Ok, back to my mammo and ultrasound appointment. What a crazy, weird process. So first is the mammo. The technician was an incredibly sweet, plump, old lady who is definitely someone’s loving grandmother. She walked me through the process: (1) first disrobe and put on the sexy hospital gown (which had a giant tear in it), (2) put little stickers with metal in them over my moles and freckles so that the radiologist can see they aren’t internal lumps on the mammograms. (She then told me about how all of the young girls in the office like to take these home and put them on their nipples for their boyfriends…ha!) and (3) she will then instruct me to place my boob in the ginormous machine with a pancake smashing device several times from all different angles. When I hear the noise, she’ll tell me in a calm, soothing voice ”DON’T breathe” and it will take the image..then she’ll say, “You can breathe.”

If there’s anything that can suck the sexiness out of young, voluptuous 34DD boobies, it’s the mammo.

Dear God, I had no idea they could be contorted like that. It was quite hilarious to see just how flat my boobs could get ~ these gals can take much more than I knew they could! I was also super excited about the fact that I was about to get my menstrual cycle, so of course my boobs were already extremely swollen and tender. A great time to manipulate, twist, turn, smash, and then some. But in all honestly, it wasn’t as painful as I had thought. Of course, during the entire process, I studied the shit out of the technician’s face as she was looking at my images…looking for some facial expression/sign that would let me know what is growing in my boob…she kept her cheery grandma smile the whole time.

After the mammogram, she said she would show the images to the radiologist who will then determine if an ultrasound will be needed. She then looked at me with a reassuring smile and said, “I am almost positive that….” (oh good! My mind thought, she’s going to say she thinks it’s nothing to worry about!) “… that you’ll also need an ultrasound. Be right back!” Damnit.

10 minutes later, she came into the room, extremely smiley and chipper. “I have good news!” (again, my mind comes in with “Oh goodie! It’s not cancer!!!”) and she finished her sentence with, “you’ll DEFINITELY need an ultrasound!” Honestly lady, you really need to learn how to fucking deliver information to your patients…I brushed it off because of her genuine sweetness and headed into the ultrasound room with a new technician.

After the ultrasound, the technician asked if I wanted anyone with me for when the doctor tells me the news and I said yes, to please get my husband from the waiting room. I said “he’ll be easy to find, he’s the really cute guy.” She said, “Oh, I think I already spotted him. Brown hair?” That’s my baby.

Travis’ face was so sweet when he walked in ~ so much love and concern, “Honey, are you ok?” rushing to me. I explained I didn’t have any news yet and just wanted him to be with me when I heard. The radiologist and technician returned. She asked if she could take another ultrasound and spent a few more minutes looking at the images. Then she looked me in the eyes and said that since my breast tissue is so dense, she is not able to tell what the lumps are ~ they could be cancerous, benign, or just an infection. So she recommended a biopsy or possibly surgery to have them removed.

angry baby All of my “not much stressness” took an exit at this moment. What. The. Fuck. “I just went through all of that for nothing? You STILL don’t know? I HAVE to WAIT even longer?! I was supposed to know TODAY. She should be able to diagnose me. She should know all of the answers.” And the tears and fear poured out….My husband said, “honey – this is great news. She is not saying you have cancer.” Well, at that point I could not hear it/see it..Just pure frustration.

The next day, I had an appointment with my doctor, the head doctor at my mother-in-law’s office. She explained the situation again, and we talked about how it would be a good time to get health insurance. She said that she was so sorry and that I am too young to have to go through something like this. This was all starting to sound too real for me now. Could it really be possible for me to have cancer? I am young. I am healthy. I live a really healthy lifestyle. I fucking teach “wellness” for a living! There’s no history of breast cancer in my family. How could this be possible?

When I got home, I started diving into questioning my stressful thoughts again using The Work of Byron Katie. I did a worksheet on the moment when the radiologist shared the news (or lack there of). A judge-your-neighbor worksheet is a free tool on Byron Katie’s web site that helps you identify & collect stressful thoughts. Through inquiry, I caught up with the reality that this news really was good. The radiologist was NOT telling me I had cancer. She cared enough to look me in the eyes, face me, and shared her desire to have more testing done so we can get a clear picture of what’s going on in my body. Not a guess. That’s what I want too. My anger towards her dropped, I saw she is doing the best she can with the information available. And how great is it that I didn’t have a diagnosis yet since I didn’t have insurance? This gave me the time to make the many phone calls needed to get full coverage health insurance starting in October. Obamacare…my hero.

After getting an out-of-pocket quote of $825 for the biopsy ~ I decided to schedule it asap ~ it is worth every penny for my mental peace to get this taken care of as soon as possible. (Side note from October 31st: the medical bills I have received so far for this biopsy are now totaling over $5,000!!! Ugh.) The next biopsy appointment was in 2 weeks and I discovered that my mind didn’t do very well with the waiting game. Especially because this week was my 34^th birthday!! Come on..universe! I had parties, my husband’s gig, lunch dates coming up. Oh, and maybe cancer.

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Alternative/Complimentary Therapies

By Request: Alternative/Complimentary Therapies for My Breast Cancer Treatment Plan

October 22, 2015August 27, 2022 Bethany @mygurucancer

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Many people have asked…so here it is. A complete list of alternative/complimentary therapies I am incorporating into my treatment plan and I’ll keep it updated here. It’s been exciting to see that a lot of these therapies also came as recommendations from my traditional medical doctors. Traditional & Alternative Medicine compliment each other so beautifully and I am so happy to see both disciplines are beginning to recognizing this.

Disclaimer: this info is not a prescription for curing cancer, I simply want to share what’s really working for me in this process. Please always check with your doctor before adding a new treatment. My doctors have been wonderfully open-minded!

This post was created with a lot of Love and most likely, a lot of typos too…ENJOY!

Yoga

My daily yoga practice is flexible & open-minded ~ it shifts depending on how I am feeling and what’s coming up for me that particular day. Ranging from 20-60 min., my personal practice blends gentle stretching, somatic movement, vinyasa flow (somedays slow, somedays strong), breathing, body sensing & meditation. I love going to classes too. Here are the many ways yoga supports me in treatment & managing side effects of chemotherapy; perhaps some videos will be shared soon!

Achy Muscles: Gentle stretching & breathing with an extended exhale. If legs are extra achey, I will lie on my back and place my legs up the wall.
Fatigue: A short, gentle flow with supported back bends & heart openers (I prefer blocks & lots of blankets).
Processing Tough Emotions: Movement produces endorphins which also act as a “mood booster.” Often, heavy emotions arise in my practice ~ I make time to sit with them in a child’s pose or pigeon and let the tears flow. I feel yoga has the power to unlock stuck belief systems and energetic holding patterns. Crying gives it all an exit strategy and keeping a journal nearby can be helpful. Crying is healing!
Stressful Thoughts: They will arise; I love to notice the stories my mind will tell me about my body and the future: “My body is losing strength.” “I am too tired to practice yoga.” “This pain will only get worse.” “I’m not good enough.” I invite the thoughts in and ask myself “who would I be in this moment without the thought?” I find I am more peaceful, self-loving, & present. For thoughts with a stronger hold, I’ll write them down and take them to inquiry (The Work of Byron Katie).
Re-building Connection & Trust w/My Body: There was a period of time I felt betrayed by my body after I found out it has cancer. Spending time just to slow down and be with my body in yoga has helped me see all of the gifts it gives me on a daily basis. This may also show up as gentle strokes on my skin ~ for example, while lying on my back, sweeping my right hand across my heart, down the left arm & hand, back up through the arm pit and breast (where my cancer was diagnosed). It feels intimate and nurturing.
Nausea: Practicing constructive rest position (lying on back, knees bent, feet flat on the floor) or reclining bound angle pose (lying on back, soles of the feet together, knees wide) has helped me with the stomach flutters. I place my hands on my belly and breath into them. I find slow pelvic tilts, rocking the knees side to side, and child’s pose to be really helpful too.
Digestion: Common side effects of chemotherapy are diarrhea and/or constipation. My digestion has been wonderful so far and I incorporate gentle core strengthening and twists into my practice.
Building Immunity: Any type of movement can help build immunity. Incorporating twists and inversions can be helpful for detoxifying, improving circulation/blood flow, & lowering blood pressure. If energy is very low, I’ll simply put my legs up the wall and breath.
Building Strength & Bone Density: Add standing poses such as Warrior Poses, Triangle, Chair, Tree, Half Moon, & Goddess Pose. Modified Plank, Sphinx, & Cobra for arm strengthening. I also enjoy incorporating light weights once or twice a week. Strength can be lost due to surgery, fatigue, side effects of chemo drugs/pain medication/hormone therapy, so it’s very important to keep it rocking to prevent serious long-term side effects.

Breathing

Breathing exercises, known as Pranayama in the yoga tradition, have countless benefits: lowers blood pressure, creates more oxygen in body which allows organs (heart, liver, lungs, digestive system) to work more efficiently, releases physical tension & pain, improves circulation, calms the mind & nervous system, better sleep, and best of all….you can do anytime, anywhere for as little as 1 minute. Here are my favorite breathing exercises:

Soft Belly Breathing: can be done seated, supine, or standing ~ place a hand on your belly and simply focus your breath in this space. Feel the rise of your hand as you breath in while you expand the belly, and feel the gentle fall of the belly towards the spine as you exhale. Perfect anytime ~ even driving in the car.
Yogic 3-Part Breath: can be done seated, supine, or standing ~ 1st, practice belly breathing as mentioned above for at least 5 breaths. Then place your hand over the low ribs and breath into this space for at least 5 breaths. Then move your hand to your heart. In each space, notice the expansion and contract, be open to any thoughts or emotions that arise without trying to fix or change anything. Then combine all 3 spaces for breathing: exhale all of the air out of the body, then breathe into the belly, low ribs, heart and then a nice long exhale. For more energy: hold the breath after the inhale for at least 2 seconds. For more relaxation: hold the breath after the exhale for at least 2 seconds.
Alternative Nostril Breathing: This is one of my favorites when I’m feeling like my mind is all over the place. It is best done seated and not recommended when driving. Exhale all of the air out of the body. Place right thumb over right nostril and inhale through the left nostril. Place ring or pinky finger over left nostril and exhale through the right nostril. Repeat for at least 4 rounds: Inhale right. Exhale Left. Inhale Left. Exhale right. At the end, breath in through both and exhale through both. For more energy: hold the breath after the inhale for at least 2 seconds. For more relaxation: hold the breath after the exhale for at least 2 seconds.

Meditation

For me, anything that brings more awareness and presence into my life is meditation. It’s the act of slowing down the mind by becoming aware of the thoughts, emotions, images that are arising and allowing them to pass through rather than run my life. I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am not my actions. The only thing that is real is this moment. Everything else is imagination. Meditation brings me back to this space which allows me to be calmer and more centered when dealing really any stress in life, and especially a breast cancer diagnosis.

There are so many ways to meditate, here’s what I love the most: Yoga Nidra, Breathing Exercises, Yoga & Dance as Meditative Movement, The Work of Byron Katie, Silent Nature Walks, Painting, Cooking, & Sex. I find nature to be so grounding and healing and prefer to do any of these forms of meditations outdoors when possible (ok, the sex part might be a little more difficult 😉

Mental Medicine ~ The Work of Byron Katie

The Work, also known as inquiry, is a simple & profound process of identifying and questioning stressful thoughts. It’s a way to clear the mind and fall in love with reality, just as it is. Anyone with an open mind can do it, free of charge, anytime, anywhere.

The Work consists of 4 questions and turnarounds. The questions are:

Is it True?
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?

The turnarounds are a way to look at the original stressful thought from different perspectives. Click here to learn more.

I have been a student of The Work since 2009 and am now a Certified Facilitator. Over the years, I’ve tested The Work out on a variety of frustrations in my own life: issues in my relationships, health, self-judgments, work/career, sex, food, judgments about corporations, god, even small things like traffic, lawnmowers, & ATM machines. What I realize is that it’s not the person, situation, or illness that brings me stress ~ it’s what I’m believing about it that creates my suffering. This is good news!

Right now, The Work is my go-to peace tool for dealing with stress around my breast cancer diagnosis; here are some of the many stressful thoughts that have come up for me:

Painful thoughts about cancer: “I have cancer. Cancer will make my life more difficult. Cancer will prevent me from living a full life. I want the cancer to stop spreading. Cancer is bad. It’s not fair. I’m too young to have cancer. I’m not strong enough to handle this. I don’t want to deal with this. The cancer will come back.”
Stress about treatments: “I won’t know which treatment plan to choose. Chemo will poison my body. The treatments won’t cure me. People who are evolved don’t choose chemo.”
Worry about side effects & physical pain: “I will be in pain. The pain will get worse. I am nauseous. I can’t handle it. i will be dealing with side effects the rest of my life. I don’t want to be bald.”
Self-blame & Body Judgments: “I created my cancer. I’m a failure/not evolved. I should have lived an even healthier lifestyle. I should know how to heal myself on my own. My body betrayed me. My body is too skinny, sick, and unattractive. I will no longer be feminine. I shouldn’t be so upset.”
Judgments about doctors/medical system: “Traditional Medicine doesn’t look at the whole person. I want my doctors to cure my cancer. Doctors aren’t compassionate. I want my doctors to be equally educated on alternative medicine too. I want the medical system/insurance/labs to be easier and more organized.”
Fear of death: “This cancer will kill me. I will die young. This is how my story ends.”
Fear about money: “Cancer is expensive. We will lose all of our money. It will put too much financial stress on our marriage. I can not afford these medical bills.”
God: “God should cure my cancer. I need God explain to me why I have cancer. God is an asshole. God is punishing me.”
Relationships: “My husband doesn’t agree with my treatment plan. My husband will not be attracted to me. My mom should stop worrying about me so much. They should have more fun with me. People should see I am ok. People shouldn’t look at me as a sad story. People will not want to do yoga with me.”

By bringing these stressful concepts to inquiry ~ sitting in the 4 Questions and Turnarounds as meditation ~ I am finding my freedom. When I believe these thoughts, I suffer. I panic, freak out, get frustrated, sad, or depressed. My breath shortens, my body tightens up. I treat myself and others poorly. The future looks like a very scary, scary place. Without the thoughts, I am more present, open, relaxed, and feel capable of facing what’s in front with me with grace and ease. I’m kinder to others and myself and trust the universe. With turnarounds, my mind is blown wide open to find that the opposite of what I thought is just as true or even truer. Everything is a projection. The suffering is in my mind, my imagination. It is not reality!

it has taught me a completely different perspective on illness; it’s here to improve my life and enlighten me. I am actually happy that I have cancer; something that I once thought was my worst nightmare is actually a HUGE gift. I will continue to share a lot of my own personal inquiries through the blog so you can see how I got to this space of clarity. I will also be inviting others to share their gifts that they’ve received from cancer ~ through their own personal experience of it and/or watching a close family/friend go through cancer. It will help me and hopefully others gather more proof for the mind that cancer happens For me, NOT to me.

Here are some easy ways to start your own practice of The Work:

Visit Byron Katie’s Web Site, www.thework.com. Click here for “Tools to do The Work” for everything you need to know start your own practice – including worksheets, instructional videos, I-Phone & i-Pad Apps, books, and so much more.
Schedule a private session with me or another Certified Facilitator. Sessions may be available over phone, Skype, or in-person.
Call the Do The Work Helpline, a free service offered by volunteers who are very experienced with The Work.
Attend an event with Byron Katie or with Certified Facilitators. Events are offered in-person and online ~ some are free and most have a tuition. I also offer workshops and retreats ~ join my mailing list to stay up-to-date.
Join an inquiry circle in your city. You can often find one on meetup.com or Facebook.

Walking

Daily walks in nature are essential for me. Depending on my energy level, they range from 20 minutes to an hour. Great for improving circulation, strength, endurance, heart health, boosting the immune system & mood, and so much more. Sometimes I’ll walk with other people for company and extra motivation. Or when I’m by myself, I may listen to upbeat music, call my mom, or listen to a Byron Katie audio disc.

Rebounding

So important!!! Rebounding is low impact exercise on a rebounder (a mini-trampoline). This is the BEST thing you could possibly do for stimulating & draining your lymphatic system which is responsible for removing toxins from your body and manufacturing white blood cells which allow your body to fight illness. My cancer has spread to some of my lymph nodes so it’s especially important for me to do this daily. 10-20 minutes a day is all it takes and I usually turn on my “Dance Pop” Pandora station and do my own “dance life nobody’s watching” party. I also feel rebounding is great when I’m feeling anxious, angry, or have excess mental energy that just needs to be shaken out.

Acupuncture

Among so many benefits, Acupuncture has also been scientifically proven to help cancer patients manage symptoms during treatment (mainly nausea, fatigue, low immunity, body aches, headaches/migraines, hot flashes, neuropathy, anxiety, insomnia). In fact, a lot of hospitals now implement it into their practices and some insurance companies are even beginning to cover it (hopefully mine will soon!). I have always loved acupuncture and am having weekly sessions with Dr. S. Ahmad (Dr. Al). I think it’s important to choose someone you really connect with ~ Dr. Al has been in my life for over 8 years ~ we care for him and his family so much that they actually came to our wedding! When I showed up at his office after my diagnosis, he put his hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eyes, and said “you are perfect.” We determined the best treatment plan for me is to schedule a session the day after chemo and at the beginning of my nadir period (when my white blood count drops and immunity is lowest). He also incorporates acupressure and trigger point therapy.

Nutriton/Supplements

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ~ Hippocrates

I have chosen to eat an organic, vegan diet full of fresh fruits and vegetables. I start my mornings with homemade ginger & turmeric tea and a raw vegetable juice or smoothie ~ I feel awesome! For the time being I have eliminated alcohol, caffeine, sugar, soy, meat, dairy, & gluten. There may be a moment when I enjoy a ginormous slice of pizza or a turkey burger…and I’ll love that too. So far, this way of nourishing myself is really working for me.

It’s not about food deprivation ~ it’s all about creating an internal environment in my body where cancer (or any illness) simply can not thrive. Through our research, the following foods are known to be prevent and cure cancer and/or are great for cleansing & building immunity. We are learning and growing this list!

Organic Vegetables

Brussels Sprouts
Cauliflower
Broccoli
Eggplant
Bell Peppers
Kale
Spinach
Beets
Zucchini
Squash (all types)
Cabbage & Sauerkraut
Avocados
Cucumber
Celery
Green & Yellow Onions

Organic Fruits

Coconut
Red Grapes
Blueberries
Pineapple
Mango
Pears
Pomegranate
Green Apples
Lemons/Limes

Organic Nuts/Seeds

Walnuts
Almonds
Cashews
Nut Butters
Sunflower Seeds
Pumpkin Seeds

Organic Grains/Beans/Starches

Quinoa
Millet
Brown Rice
Sprouted Grains (occasionally)
Red Potatoes
Sweet Potatoes
Black Beans
Mung Beans
Garbanzo Beans
Lentils

Organic Flavor Makers/Spices/Oils/Superfoods

Himalayan Crystal Salt
Turmeric
Ginger
Clove
Onion
Garlic
Cilantro
Apple Cider Vinegar
Tahini
Coconut Aminos
Olive Oil
Coconut Oil
Goji Berries
Mulberries
Chia Seeds

Supplements

I am taking the following supplements which have also been approved by my doctor. Doctors say my cancer feeds off of hormones and for this reason, they recommend avoiding most herbal supplements or homeopathic remedies. Most of them contain plant-based estrogens. This is why I have eliminated all soy products as well.

EuroMedica Cura Pro (Curcumin) ~ studies have shown this concentrated form of turmeric can reduce inflammation and also help chemo drugs work more efficiently. Soooo many health benefits, click here to learn more.
Garden of Life Organic Women’s Multivitamin
Garden of Life Raw Probiotic for Women
Garden of Life Raw Vitamin C
New Chapter Turmeric Force
Vitamin Code Raw D3
Calm ~ Magnesium & Calcium

Emotional Releasing

It’s been really important in my process to honor whatever feelings come up for me ~ whether it be rage, anxiety, terror, depression ~ and let it out. Letting it out can take different forms and I’ve mentioned some ways through movement and breath. Sometimes I ask to be held & rocked by someone close to me or even a stranger while I’m crying. If I’m at home, I’ll also crawl into my bed and let the tears, sobbing, coughing, even vomiting happen if it shows up. I also like to remind myself, “this too shall pass” and notice how sweet and intimate it is to be here for myself in this way. If I’m feeling extremely angry, screaming into a pillow or hitting the pillow helps. Yes, to an outsider (and probably my neighbors), I sound like a crazy person but in reality, this is one of the sanest practices I know. When I hold in my emotions, it’s like I’m a ticking time bomb ready to explode ~ it also manifests in my body as neck tension and migraines. When I let it out, it’s a sort of clearing ~ tension melts away and I feel so much better.

It’s also interesting to me to notice the thoughts that I am believing that are making me feel this way. For example, during a deep emotional release the evening after I was diagnosed, some of my stressful thoughts were: “I don’t know what to do. I will die young. My life will never be the same.” These are thoughts I can later bring to inquiry (or not) after the emotional release is complete.

Writing

Writing is so healing. For me, it’s been a powerful source of self-expression in this process. I have been journaling ~ writing down my thoughts, experiences, vulnerabilities and I also enjoy stream-of-conscious writing ~ letting the mind word-vomit all over the paper. I have always thought of writing as more of a personal expression and for some reason, when this diagnosis came ~ I had the overwhelming urge/need/desire/inspiration to share it all in a very public way. This blog is part of my healing process and if it also serves to help one other person who is experiencing stress around illness (or really anything in life), then that makes my heart fill with even more gratitude.

Art

Creative expression is one the most nurturing, empowering, cleansing, & soul-touching activities. As an artist, I have created my own practice called “yogArt” which combines yoga, meditation, journaling, & artistic play (painting, drawing, collaging, & various other techniques). I’ve led workshops and retreats and now I get to offer it all…to me. I’m creating an art journal, a collage of beautiful cards I’ve received from friends and family, and I am also inspired to paint a bunch of boobs on canvases. We’ll see what comes out! When I paint, I feel like a child ~ time does not exist ~ and I love to see what unfolds from a blank canvas. Many cancer centers offer art and art therapy classes which is amazing!

Essential Oils

I’ve always loved essential oils. I’ve learned the best oils for curing cancer are lemon, frankincense, and myrrh. I prefer the brand of Young Living. I blend the oils with organic, raw coconut oil or jojoba oil and rub them over my chest and in my left axilla (where the cancer was found). Through some research, I also learned that some oils carry plant-based estrogens (lavender, peppermint, cinnamon to name a few). The article said if your hormones are balanced, it’s no problem at all. However, if your estrogen is already elevated (which mine was), these oils can boost your estrogen even more. I was using lavender and peppermint almost daily for years and am discontinuing their use for now.

Sound Healing

When researching many alternative treatment centers for cancer, I was intrigued to learn that sound healing is often used. Using instruments like drums, chimes, Tibeten bowls, & gongs, the sound healer creates certain vibrational frequencies that are healing to the body. “Nationally renowned Oncologist Dr. Mitchell Gaynor, author of “The Healing Power of Sound” in a 2005 New York Times interview cites studies indicating that music/sound can lower blood pressure, reduce cardiac complications among patients who have recently suffered heart attacks, reduce stress hormones during medical testing and boost natural opiates” (source: Dallas Yoga Center). I will be working with Kenny Kolter in Dallas who has worked with many cancer patients. I’m really excited to see what unfolds!

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Join my membership program.
Book a private coaching session.
Sign up for an online event or class series.
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Pre-diagnosis

Pre-diagnosis: a Lump & an Angel

October 1, 2015August 27, 2022 Bethany @mygurucancer

Do you heart this blog? Well, it’s now a real, live book baby! Get your copy on Amazon. #mygurucancer

Written on August 28th, 2015…

So I guess I should start writing..It’s 2am and the mind is fully awake. I just know that is what I’m supposed to do. Over the past month, I have experienced quite a shift of awareness. And I have cancer to thank for this.

Last November, I found a lump in my left breast. It didn’t surprise me or shock me, I had started to get lumps in my late 20’s. When I felt very the first lump, there was pure PANIC, “Holy shit! I have a lump. It means I have cancer! My life is over! I’m dying!” This is when I began to use The Work of Byron Katie to question my stressful thoughts about lumps. Guess what I discovered? A lump is just a sweet, innocent, speck of nothing. It’s the label I put on the lump that took me down a hysterical emotional rollercoaster. The silly mind had just made a mountain out of a boobie lump. Other than what I was thinking and believing, I was perfectly ok. Doing The Work allowed me to stay present and peacefully move to the next steps.

I would always get each lump checked out by professionals and they all ended up being either a cyst or swollen lymph node. I was told ~ yes, I have lumpy boobs and this is normal. I learned how to monitor them and they seemed to go away over time so I learned how not to freak out when a new one was felt.

Well, this November lump didn’t go away. It got larger and larger and then about 6 months later, I noticed another lump in my left armpit. So I went the non-traditional healing route ~ Breast Thermography (note: this is not the center I visited). Breast Thermography is a way of taking digital photos that measure the heat in the breast tissue. Because anything cancerous is inflammation ~ it will show up as heat on the images. The naturopath can then determine if a lump is likely to be cancerous or not. There is zero radiation, which really appealed to me. I had done Breast Thermography on the very first lump I detected back when I was 30, and the results were congruent with traditional medical doctors as well ~ just a swollen lymph node. So, I trusted this process.

The naturopath did not detect any heat in the new, larger lump, nor in the armpit. My estrogen did look a little elevated. He said they were likely swollen lymph nodes or a cyst and recommended lymphatic drainage therapy ~ a homeopathic remedy taken 3 times per day, and 3 sessions of lymphatic drainage to stimulate and drain my lymphatic system. He then said to come back in 6 months for a follow-up.

But after 2 months, there was no change in the size of my lumps. I asked him if I should get an ultrasound to make sure it’s not anything, and he agreed it might be a good idea. I honestly couldn’t tell if he just didn’t know what to do with me anymore since his therapies weren’t working or if he really was concerned. He didn’t know a place to do an ultrasounds which I thought was kind of bullshit.

I’m self-employed and without health insurance. I started calling around to see if I could get an ultrasound somewhere and what the out-of-pocket cost would be. I felt frustrated, inconvenienced, & annoyed that there wasn’t a clear answer. I was pissed at myself for not having insurance either ~ this is the exact situation of why people get insurance ~ to find peace of mind in unexpected events.

Then I found an angel in a woman who has been in my life for 8 years, my mother-in-law, Elaine. I had known she worked in a doctor’s office, but had no idea what kind and she jumped at the opportunity to support me. She literally swept right in and held my hand throughout the entire process. Before I knew it, she was setting up an appointment with one of her nurse’s for a manual exam free of charge; the doctor could then refer me to a clinic for the ultrasound.

During my manual exam, I learned that perhaps my lump was a little bigger than a regular lump looked at by doctors. When the nurse saw me turn to my side and the bulge popped out of the side of my breast, she immediately got the head doctor to come take a look. She agreed that I needed to get it checked out asap. The good news is that the lump in my breast was not fixed, it could just be a fibroadenoma. It worried her a bit that there was another lump in the armpit though. Angel Elaine made my appointment for a mammogram & ultrasound ~ apparently the clinic refused to do just an ultrasound by itself because I am over the age of 30. I had mixed feelings about mammograms and wasn’t crazy about the exposure of radiation. However, I heard that the combination of these two tools are my best option for giving an accurate diagnosis of what’s going on in my body.

After the doctor’s visit, the lumps started to make me anxious again (or rather, my thinking about them did!). I continued to question my stressful thoughts about them and decided to give them a cute new name: Lulu 1 (breast lump) and Lulu 2 (armpit lump). This just made me giggle 🙂 Now I could take my Lulus to get an ultrasound and mammogram. My new little buddies.

Up until this point, I didn’t experience much stress. I figured, I’ll save my freak-out until there is actually something real to freak out about…the doctors are just making sure it’s nothing to worry about. The biggest stress that showed up for me at that point, had nothing to do about health, a diagnosis, terminal cancer. It had everything to do with MONEY.

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Introduction

Welcome to My Guru Cancer Blog

September 27, 2015August 27, 2022 Bethany @mygurucancer

Do you heart this blog? Well, it’s now a real, live book baby! Get your copy on Amazon. #mygurucancer

This blog is dedicated to sharing my journey healing breast cancer. It will serve as a sort of “online journal” for progress, updates, inner & outer work, struggles, enlightening realizations, & more.

Join me on this adventure from pre-diagnosis to the cure…through all of the ups, downs, & turnarounds.

On September 16th, 2015, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (fancy name, eh?). I am young, healthy, and have no family history of breast cancer, so this news came as a big surprise! Watch this video to learn a little more about how I am handling this diagnosis.

I have chosen a path of healing that integrates traditional & alternative medicine ~ the perfect path for me. I feel incredibly blessed to already be fully equipped with incredible healing tools ~ The Work of Byron Katie (self-inquiry), Yoga, Meditation, Nutrition, Art, Acupuncture, Humor, & best of all…the Loving Support of Family & Friends. I’ve recently discovered the power of writing & a burning desire to share it…so here we are.

I am not here to fight cancer. I am here to make friends with it, listen to it, learn from it, evolve & grow. What if illness happens for our enlightenment? What if it makes our life even better? I am already learning so much from my new guru, Cancer:

People are kind.
Unconditional love does exist.
I am fully supported in every moment.
The cancer in my head (ie- my imagination) is way worse than the cancer in reality. Whew.

The universe doesn’t just pour a pile of shit on your head; there’s a bigger calling at work here and I’m open to fully experiencing it. Like Byron Katie says, “Life happens for you, not to you.” Here we go!

With Love,

~Bethany

How to navigate this blog

This Welcome Post will remain at the top of the page and the rest of the posts will be ordered by “most recent” at the top. Here is the complete list of posts in chronological order:

Blog Posts

Pre-diagnosis: a Lump & an Angel

By Request: Alternative & Complimentary Therapies for My Breast Cancer Treatment Plan

The Mammo & Ultrasound…I will finally know! Or not.

How I found Peace during “The Waiting Game”

Getting the Call ~ “You have Cancer”

Part 1: Meeting with the Breast Surgeon right after Diagnosis

Part 2: Meeting with the Breast Surgeon for Surgery Options

Medical Update

Inquiry: “The Cancer is spreading ~ is it true?”

The Future of My Boobs (FOMB)

Update: Post-Chemo & Pre-Surgery